Desperation
by jessara40k
Summary: Prequel to Handler and Experiment, covering what happened to make Zack give Sephiroth to Cloud. Sephiroth uke, very rough sex, possible consent issues


It hurt, so much, it felt like he needed Zack to fuck him, but it _couldn't_ be that, it just couldn't. Sephiroth collapsed against the wall, shaking, fists clenching so hard he could feel blood trickling over his palms, vaguely grateful there was no one around to see him. It had just been three days since Zack fucked him last, he couldn't be needing this _now_, not when Zack was away on a mission. But it _hurt_, almost as badly as the one time he'd been stubborn with Hojo, and he'd been feeling the build up for the last day, telling himself he had to be wrong about what he was feeling.

He didn't want to lose his mind again, forget who he was, and what position he held and start tearing himself apart the way he had once before, when he was Hojo's, but Zack wasn't anywhere he could reach him. When his shaking subsided; for the moment, and he thought he could function with the pain for the moment he pushed himself away from the wall, ignoring the smears of blood where his hands touched it. No one who had any power would _care_ about blood left on the walls, and it wasn't as if his inhumanity showed in his blood to the naked eye. Still...he couldn't risk anyone realising what he'd done to himself, and reluctantly he licked the blood from his palms, grateful for his accelerated healing, even if he sometimes resented it as well.

He moved briskly, trying to force his mind away from the pain consuming him, and from his need for Zack, but his thoughts always came back to that same point. And...almost worse, he kept on remembering just how good Zack was in bed, finding his thoughts wandering to how it felt when Zack was inside him, or flashing to the feel of Zack's hands on his hips or waist.

He heard Angeal's voice, recognised the distinctive rhythm of his steps, and an idea occurred to him, striking with an intensity born of desperation. Maybe getting Angeal to fuck him would work; the man had been able to take over again after Nolan died, so there had to be some residual bond, possibly enough that he could act as a substitute for Zack this once. He took a deep breath to steady himself, trying to push the pain from his mind with the thought that he'd soon be able to calm it and moved to find his second handler.

He glared at the men Angeal was talking with, until they made excuses to leave, then, grabbed hold of the darker man by the wrist, dragging him to an empty room and shoving him back against the door to keep it closed. He could feel a whimper rising in his throat as the pain of not being taken flared, and he dropped to his knees, still pressing Angeal against the door, fumbling his pants open. Angeal was still limp, confusion on his face, and in the way he stammered Sephiroth's name, and Sephiroth managed to ease his pain a bit by thinking of how he was working to satisfy his need for his handler.

He pressed Angeal against the door with his hands on the man's hips, leaning forward to lick at his cock and balls, ignoring the way he was saying his name, and trying to pull him off. He wasn't _really_ trying to stop Sephiroth, or Sephiroth knew he'd be hurting and he focused on trying to get his own pants open, fumbling with his belts without much success while Angeal hardened in his mouth. Then he felt Angeal's fingers tangle in his hair, pulling at it hard enough that he had the choice of pulling back, or a chunk of it being ripped out at the roots and he let Angeal's cock slip from his mouth as he permitted the man to push him back down on his heels.

"Sephiroth, what's going on?" Angeal was speaking very slowly and clearly, and Sephiroth shut his eyes as he began shaking.

"I need...Zack isn't here...I hoped...you _were_ my handler before..." He didn't want to beg, he would if he had to, but that reminded him too much of Hojo, and Angeal had never made him beg before.

"So you thought if I fucked you it might let you last until he gets back. Why didn't he fuck you just before he left?" Angeal pulled him up to his feet as he spoke, and Sephiroth didn't fight that, or the way the other man's hands roughly explored his body.

"He...he did." Sephiroth let Angeal turn and press him against the door, shivering as the man's hands dealt with his belts and the rest of his pants easily.

"You got any lube on you?"

"Noooo." The words turned into a moan, half of pain and half of pleasure as Angeal wrapped his hand around Sephiroth's cock, jerking him off quickly and roughly.

"This'll have to do then. But it's still going to hurt." Angeal was using Sephiroth's seed to prepare him as he spoke, moving fairly quickly.

"I don't...c-care!" The pleasure from Angeal's touch helped a bit, but not enough and he pushed back as those fingers grazed against his sweet spot because his pain increased again. It would make any pain from Angeal taking him seem insignificant, especially if that worked to make him stop hurting.

"You're sure?" Angeal kept the three fingers inside Sephiroth still as he pulled Sephiroth's head back by the hair, forcing him to crane his neck awkwardly as he looked at the man.

"Ye-es. Please...now!" He wasn't being as submissive as Angeal liked him, Sephiroth knew he was being too demanding for the other man's tastes, but he _needed_ this too much to wait. Angeal laughed at that, let go of his hair and pulled Sephiroth's hands from where he was using them to brace himself against the door to hold his wrists together with that one hand at the back of his waist. It could be a sort of punishment, and so could the almost violent way Angeal pushed into him, but then the man waited for Sephiroth to adjust, despite the way he pleaded for more, and waited until Sephiroth went limp, letting Angeal move him as he would.

He could smell blood, as well as the stench of sex when Angeal pulled out, but he was _still_ hurting, and only the grip of Angeal's hands at his wrists and shoulder kept him on his feet. Angeal spun him around, holding him to his chest, still keeping Sephiroth's wrists captured at the small of his back and lifting his other hand to stroke his face.

"Did this help? Are you alright now?" He leaned into the caress, appreciating the concern despite the hint of anger in Angeal's voice, and _dreading_ what he'd have to do now.

"No...it didn't." Or at least not enough, and he didn't try to hide the pain and near despair he was feeling. Sephiroth did _not_ want to put himself back into Hojo's power, even for as brief a time as the wait for Zack to return from his mission. And his only comfort was the fact that the professor wouldn't be able to run any tests on him that required his _conscious_ participation while he was there.

"Fuck! I can't believe that little bastard would be so bloody irresponsible; he should know better than to accept a mission that would take him away from you for too long."

"It was only meant to take a week," Zack had been confident that he'd complete the mission sooner than expected too, "and he's only been gone three days. He fucked me right before he left too."

"Damn!" Angeal let go of Sephiroth's wrists at last, wrapping his arms around his body and holding him as if he was fragile. "How the hell did you end up needing him that often? Did that bastard do something to you?" All Sephiroth could do was shake his head silently, hoping that he wouldn't start shaking again from the pain. It _wasn't_ Zack's fault that he'd fallen in love with someone else and felt obliged to tell Sephiroth that. "What can I do?"

"Nothing." Angeal was trying to help, he shouldn't brush the man off like that, not after what he'd just done. "I...I have to get to Hojo. Now, while I can still walk and pretend nothing's wrong." Because if people learned about how he was controlled, how no-one trusted him to control _himself_...

Sephiroth shuddered convulsively at the thought of losing the few freedoms he'd managed to carve out for himself and pushed Angeal away from him, no longer able to stand even such well-meant confinement. Angeal looked puzzled but he didn't try to keep Sephiroth in his arms, just watching him as he huddled against the door, shaking again.

"I don't think you can. Let me help you." Angeal held out his hand, but he didn't venture close enough to touch Sephiroth as he kept shaking his head. He didn't think he could cope with anyone but _Zack_ touching him at the moment, certainly not Angeal, not when his attempt to substitute for Zack had failed so miserably.

"No!" Sephiroth pushed himself away from the door, still shaking, and bent to grab his clothes, watching Angeal warily. "People would ask questions. I'm not obviously injured enough to need help, or to need _Hojo's_ skills." He finally managed to stop shaking and began dressing, eyes still fixed on the other man. "I can walk, and people won't wonder about that." Anyone who knew how reluctant he was to see Hojo would assume he'd been ordered there for some more tests, but it would cause far too much gossip if he let himself show any weakness.

"And they won't wonder if you collapse in the middle of a corridor?" Sephiroth wanted to flinch at Angeal's words, but he had to admit they were true, especially when he couldn't fasten his pants properly.

"I...there needs to be something to explain why I need your support." He trusted Angeal, he _did_, and he knew the man wouldn't hold his attempt at rape against him. Sephiroth began shaking again as he let himself realise what he'd just tried to do to Angeal, gripping one thigh in an attempt to stop, letting his grip tighten because he needed something to distract from the pain, even if it was just another type of pain.

"Scalp wounds bleed a lot." Was that a suggestion? Sephiroth couldn't quite tell from Angeal's flat tone of voice, and before he could say anything in response he heard the sound of a bone breaking. "Fuck!" Now Angeal grabbed Sephiroth, keeping him on his feet and Sephiroth didn't fight it, letting the other man shake him angrily. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't. Just...kn-knock me out...T-tell Ho-hojo...wh-what I did...and when Zack will be back." Hojo would know what to do for him even if Sephiroth hated to rely on the scientist for _anything_.

"You're sure about this?" Angeal sounded anxious, but he shifted his grip so that he had Sephiroth's wrists trapped in one hand and wrapped his other arm around Sephiroth's waist, carrying him over to a seat.

"Yes." He bit his lip and forced himself to keep speaking when he tasted blood. "He'll know...what t-to do. I _can't_ be awake now." He'd only damage himself even more than he already had and there was _nothing_ Sephiroth could do to stop himself now that it had reached this stage. And even if he could he had no way to cover up his absence the way Hojo could. Sephiroth watched Angeal, waiting for him to do as he'd been told and didn't even try to dodge when he finally pulled his knife and reversed it to slam the weighted hilt into his temple. The first blow wasn't hard enough, so Sephiroth had to force himself to stay in place while he tried again - but that didn't work either and he pushed the other man away from him.

"This isn't working...you can't do this, can you?"

"No...I'm sorry." Sephiroth wrapped one hand in his hair, tugging at it in an effort at distraction and to help himself think.

"Get me dressed." Angeal's hands were surer than his own, but Sephiroth was grateful to realise he was being just a little rough on purpose, enough to keep the bone in his leg from starting to set, sending new pain through his body with every motion. "Say we were sparring." Tight quarters were one of Sephiroth's few weaknesses, a weakness he usually worked around by destroying any buildings he fought in if the rooms were too small. "I made a mistake, and you didn't catch it in time."

"You want me to cut your leg open with my Buster Blade? I couldn't knock you out with my knife hilt!"

"There hassss...to be an ob-viousss reason you're...ca-carrying me." He didn't think he could get to the lab by himself now...if Angeal refused he'd have to call Hojo and more people would _know_.

"I...all right." Angeal looked unhappy, but he pulled back and drew his sword, cutting into Sephiroth's leg carefully, then scooping him up into his arms and almost running out of the room towards the labs. Sephiroth managed to look pissed off enough that no one looked at them for more than a second or two, but Sephiroth knew from experience that Hojo had issued orders that he was to be contacted immediately upon Sephiroth entering the labs - as well as when he was injured in the ShinRa compound.

"What happened?" Sephiroth sometimes thought he might have inherited his ability to command from Hojo, loathsome as the man was, because he was remarkably good at throwing orders around, and people tended to obey him almost as fast as they obeyed Sephiroth.

"Umm...we were sparring, tight quarters, and..." Angeal shrugged, Sephiroth still in his arms and Sephiroth looked directly at Hojo, shaking his head and digging his nails into his palms.

"This way." Sephiroth forced himself to loosen his fists as Hojo led Angeal into a side lab. "Everyone out! Put him there." A table with integral restraints, probably strong enough to hold him - at least Sephiroth _hoped_ so. He shivered and stretched out on the table, only putting his wrists in position to be restrained once everyone was gone.

"What really happened then?" Was that a hint of concern in Hojo's voice as he fastened the restraints around Sephiroth's wrists.

"He dragged me into a room and-"

"Like two months...after I...t-turned eleven."

"What? And your handler's not here. When was the last time that irresponsible bastard fucked you?" Hojo sounded pissed, but he still prepared an injection for Sephiroth with his customary precision.

"Right before he left." Sephiroth shuddered convulsively, pulling against the restraints hard enough to bruise his wrists pretty badly without realising it until he felt the pain. "Please...put me in stasssis."

"I will." Hojo patted his leg in an oddly reassuring gesture as he injected something into him, something that began to push the pain away and make his thoughts fuzzy around the edges. "Angeal, get out of here now." Hojo didn't say anything else until the SOLDIER had left and Sephiroth just let himself enjoy the way his pain and urge to hurt himself had diminished for now.

"I'll knock you out and deal with your leg before I put you in stasis. You understand that you'll need a new handler after this?"

"Yes." He remembered thinking that when Angeal had been carrying here, and hating it. "How long?" The conversation was a distraction while Hojo prepared the next injection at least.

"He'll probably get a week to choose his replacement." And with those words Hojo gave Sephiroth the injection that knocked him out.


End file.
